Proof that the universe has a questionable sense of humor, or GOP marketers are harvesting emails without researching them, or Weebly sold me out (or all three):
Trump’s campaign folks have been sending me begging emails *on the email account I use only for things related to fanfiction*. Often very dark and or seriously raunchy fanfiction. To clarify further: these stories are often about gay or bi people having sex. They got that email address. Weebly, I hope you charged them a lot of money. How many other fan writers did you sell?
No, seriously, if you are a fanfiction writer and you are getting this letter on a dedicated email address, speak up.
So far ‘Donald J. Trump’ has sent me two emails, and ‘Mike Pence’ one. They are campaign contribution letters barely disguised as paranoid and frightened calls-to-action.
So to be reaaaaallly bitchy, I’m reproducing today’s Trump mass email in regular black text, and my commentary in bold. Let’s get started.
Friend, (No, you are not and never will be my friend. Your allies are why I stopped being a Republican. You were a Democrat until Obama made fun of you in 2011, yes? So we’ve established what you are, now we just need to establish your price.)
The fake news keeps saying, “President Trump is isolated.” (You are.)
…They say I’m isolated by lobbyists, corporations, grandstanding politicians, and Hollywood. (That’s because even the people who thought they could use you, seriously hate you now. Listen in some Shabbat evening, and I’ll bet Ivanka and Jared are planning their own hasty exit strategy before they go down with you. They are both a bit smarter than you are, and they want their kids far away from you.)
GOOD! I don’t want them. All I ever want is the support and love from the AMERICAN PEOPLE who’ve been betrayed by a weak and self-serving political class. (Yep. By Democrats, sure. But mostly by Republicans since the days of Ronald Reagan, when the GOP sold middle America on the fantasy of trickle-down economics. You would have no trouble betraying the naive or angry Americans who voted for you. And if you know how to pray at all, you are in cold sweats praying they never find how much you look down on them and everything they passionately believe in.)
We’re coming up on our end-of-quarter deadline and the media will be waiting to see if the American people have walked away from our movement. With your help, our numbers will show THE WORLD that the people are still fighting to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! (In other words, you’re scared shitless by how close Mueller is closing in on you and your corrupt GOP minders. You started your 2020 campaign with one goal in mind: rake in as much money as possible to shore up your bankrupt tinsel empire, and maybe have enough to flee to Russia. Or not to Russia, since Putin has to be getting seriously pissed off at you right now.)
AND THEN, DEAR READERS, TRUMP ASKS ME FOR MONEY.
There are dropdown bars that begin with CONTRIBUTE $250, CONTRIBUTE $100, CONTRIBUTE $75, CONTRIBUTE $50, CONTRIBUTE $35, CONTRIBUTE OTHER AMOUNT.
There is no tab for NOT ONE RED CENT, ASSHOLE. Oh, and the letter starts up again:
Look — Hollywood and the media are going to hate us no matter what we say or do. (Stop hiding behind poor people in the heartland, Donald, you’re as much a ‘coastal elite’ as they come. Actually, George Clooney has a pretty good rebuttal for you.)
Their goal is to take us down. My goal is to bring all Americans up! (One clarification: we sane folks would like to take you down, and help your followers survive what you will bring to them with your craven, disastrous policies. The only Americans you want to enrich are yourself and your cronies.)
The economy is still booming (only for some very rich people), our border is getting secured (with what, your see-through, environmentally shaky fence?), illegal immigration is down big league (even legal immigrants don’t want to come here anymore), justice is being delivered (um, where, I don’t see it, unless you call civil forfeiture, misplaced ICE raids, and anything Jeff Sessions does ‘justice’), sanctuary cities are losing support (they need more support), and American energy is on the rise (No, dipshit, talk to any oilman in Midland TX and they’ll tell you they’re trying to squeeze the last profits before another crash. And WE CAN’T EXTRACT AND BURN THAT MUCH MORE PETROLEUM before some very bad things start happening even faster. Contrary to your bloviating lies, manmade climate change is here, you shallow undereducated manbaby.)
…And that’s even with self-serving politicians obstructing our agenda. (Oh, wow, one sentence I agree with. There’s a reason I’m registered Independent. I think most of the old-guard Democrats could snatch defeat from the jaws of the most-certain victory even if you gave them a map and an expert concierge. However, I also think that 95% of the Republican members of Congress should eventually face firing squads or life sentences in maximum security prisons for corruption and treason. Or to make it quick and just, in Guantanamo just as another Cat 5 hurricane is lined up to strike. There will be plenty of time when hurricane season lasts all year long!)
Friend, I was proud to go to the U.N. and declare before the world that for the first time in decades, America will look out for America’s interests FIRST. (And that’s when we became nobody’s ally, and well on the way to becoming as isolated and Third-World a nation as North Korea. You call yourself a ‘businessman’ with posturing like that? No wonder you went bankrupt so many times, and nobody wants to work with you anymore. You had to take Russian, Cypriot, and Deutsche Bank money because US banks had learned the hard way not to trust you.)
I didn’t run for president to be a puppet for the global political class. I ran to be a champion for the American people. (Let’s face it, Donald, you ran because you thought it would be a lucrative publicity stunt for a new far-right media channel. You never thought you would win. Your Russian allies never thought you would win. The GOP attached Mike Pence to your ticket because *he’s* one of the guys they wanted all along as POTUS. All of you underestimated how angry, ill-informed, and frankly stupid a certain bloc of Americans are. Russian/GOP vote-rigging in crucial districts worked a little too well. But hey, now you have the job, you HAAAATE it, and you’re going down as one of…if not THE…worst Presidents in American history. Good luck with that.)
The only support I will ever care about is from American patriots like you. (I’m an American, and I’m a patriot, and trust me, you will never get my support.)
Please help us CRUSH our goal and make this our best quarter report ever. (Ah, so yes, it is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY you need to pay off all those Russian debts before Putin releases the tapes with little girls in them, da?)
Thank you and MAGA, (That is true. Morons Are Governing America).
And then he signs it with his name and as close to ‘heroic’ a photo…from leaner, less orange days than now, I think…as Donald Trump can achieve. I don’t think I can see tape holding up his wattles, or maybe someone got clever in Photoshop?
I much prefer this picture. It’s more honest about who he is.
Or even this one.
Sigh. Donald, just stop. You’re not fooling anyone.
What offends me the most is that the Trump campaign is sending out these fundraising emails while Trump delays helping Puerto Rico.
Because Trump will never fail to indulge in a chance at racism and petty vengeance: most Puerto Rican Americans are somewhat browner than Trump and his family, and they largely voted for Hillary Clinton.